Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Rumors of impending new product release: Shamel-bot 3000


A rumor has been circulating the blogosphere, reputed to be leaked by a highly reputable source from within the upper management of Shamel-tronics. Our source had this to say, "Let me tell you man, Shamel-tronics is all about growing your business internally. The Shamel-bot 3000 will help grow your business...internally." Domestic and foreign markets responded in shock and with mixed analysis. "Where the f were you two weeks ago, Shamel-bot 3000?" asked a clearly frustrated man wearing nothing but a pickle barrel whom asked us to disguise his identity, and who will be referred to as "The Brothers Lee, Man". Mr. Brothers LM believes the Shamel-bot 3000 will kick start the depressed markets. An alternate view point is that this product is being rushed to market in a typical altruistic Shamel-tronics fashion. Will the bugs be worked out? In light of "Black Shamel-day" in 2003, this is an especially heightened concerned. For those that have been living under a rock (that is, a regular rock, not one equipped with Shamel-vision), the 2003 release of the Shamel-bot 2000 resulted in widespread injury caused by what Shamel-tronics reps called "blatant misuse of the Shamel-bot 10.5 inch carbine shaft." Hospital emergency rooms were over run with limping women. Will a similar disaster strike again? Our source assures us that the Shamel-ized carbine shaft has been reinforced with triple-Shamelube, and that added shaft girth will ensure more equitable distribution of the aforementioned Shamel-sauce. Keep an eye out on Shamel-emporiums and Radio Shacks for this impending product release.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Von Shamel-Man’s Power’s and Skills



As some of you know, Shamel-Man has dark history and mysterious super powers. The following information is newly discovered and could be painful to read…especially for someone who has heard of the stories of “shameling” and “shamelization.”

As you know by now, Shamel-man possesses extraordinary powers; he has been traditionally described as "smoother than a shameling shamel, more stiff than a titanium shaft, and able to shamel an entire city of women in a single stare…(when using his Shamel-tan and Shamel-teeth whitening treatments). Shamel-Man is physically at the peak of human ability in dozens of areas, notably the shamel-arts, shamel-batics, shamel-strength, and shamel artistry. Intellectually, he is just as peerless; Shamel-man is one of the world's greatest scientists of shamel-lipulation, female-ologists, and Kama sutra-tacticians, as well as a master of the technique known as shamelization. He is regarded as one of the Universes’ greatest pimps. Rather than simply out-playing his opponents, Shamel-Man often uses cunning and planning to outwit them. He is arguably a Metro-Sexual in the sheer variety and depth of his knowledge and skills.

He also abstains entirely from drinking alcohol, though he presents Charles Von Shamel, his alter ego, as a borderline alcoholic (he creates this illusion by drinking Spanish Fly and eating Viagra and passing it on as crown and 7 and filet mignon). Shamel-man’s refusal to drink is directly linked to keeping his body in its absolute best physical condition to maintain the highest level of shameling.

Shamel-Man designs or modifies the majority of costumes, equipment, and vehicles he uses as Shamel-Man, producing them through various divisions of Von Shamel, Inc., including Shamel-tronics. Over the years, Shamel-Man accumulates a large arsenal of specialized gadgets known as shamel-ets, the designs of which usually share a common theme of hot, sexy, and femalely appealing. A notable example is Shamel-Mans primary vehicle, the Shamel-mobile, usually depicted as an imposing blue car with no roof that suggest an open environment for shameling; another is his chief shameling weapon to arouse his prey, the shamel-rang (or shamel-lama-ding-dong as it’s commonly called). Shamel-man’s other vehicles include the Shamel-plane (aka the Shamel-wing), Shamel-boat, Shamel-Sub, and Shamel-cycle. Shamel-Man keeps most of his shameling equipment (Shamel-ets) in a signature piece of apparel, a Shamel-belt. Over the years it is shown to contain a virtually limitless variety of womanizing tools.

The History & Meaning of "T-Dance" (Trent-arius Hebert-ius)


Dance (from French danser, perhaps from Frankish) generally refers to movement of the body, usually rhythmic and to music, used as a form of expression, social interaction or presented in a spiritual or performance setting.

T-Dance (derived from the Roman custom of tea-bagging – spawned from a young roman man named Trentarius Hebertius - who for 20 years was the target of mass town tea-baggings - as the legend goes). T-Dance originated from the actions Trentarius Hebertius took thereafter each mob like tea-bagging event. As the story goes, Trentarius Hebertius’s only form of expressions, were the A-typical dance methods of non-verbal communication between humans or nearby animals (bee dance, mating dance), motion in inanimate objects (the leaves danced in the wind), and certain musical forms or genres. Trantarius Herbertius became the godfather of T-Dancing which has been statistically proven to be as popular as sandscrit and could never attract a following (in fact 87 countries have deemed it illegal and punishable by death).

Definitions of what constitutes T-Dance are dependent on social, cultural, aesthetic, artistic and moral constraints and range from functional movement (such as folk dance) to virtuoso techniques such as ballet. In sports, gymnastics, figure skating and synchronized swimming are dance disciplines while martial arts kata are often referred to as a T-Dance cousin. (In 1257 AD, Charles Von Shamel XVIII was quoted as saying “My contention is that... the only way T-Dance could be the cousin of martial arts kata is if it were a 10th cousin, 7 times removed).

T-Dance can be participatory, social or performed for a private audience or alone in front of a mirror or even the reflection of a small pond. It has been known to be ceremonial, competitive if a social gathering was allowed to throw rocks at the T-Dancer in attempt to wound him. T-Dance movements may be without significance in themselves, or have a gestural vocabulary/symbolic system as in many Asian dances. T-Dance can embody or express ideas, emotions or tell a story; however, no one will ever get the story because the dance movements are metaphysical in nature and objectively stupid.

Shamel Resources


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