Thursday, December 18, 2008

Shamel Roll and The History of the Shamel Roll


- Crabstick or snow crab (symbolizes the circle of life)
- Avocado (protein and energy)
- Salmon (fertility and virility)
On Top:
- Tuna (strength and power “strong like bull)
- must smear wasabi on the underside of the tuna
- Just a dab of chili paste on top of the tuna (spiciness and kick)


There is a legend of a sushi roll that gives mystical powers to those that eat it. Men describe it as being invigorated like a bull or having the libido drive of rabbits. Scientists have said that this roll is very similar to our modern day Viagra or the Asian equivalent of having 100 bowls of tiger phallus soup. Women feel empowered, with their libido’s going crazy. Many warnings have been written that this should not be taken by both a man and a woman at the same time, for the outcome can be explosive. There have been known instances of couples not sleeping for days and instead indulging their carnal cravings of lust and intimacy. It wasn’t until an astute group of algorithmic geniuses got together that they were able to track down the origins of this amazing roll, and the scientific elements that give it its power.

It all started in the early 19th century when Hanaya Yohei in Edo Japan, arguably the father of modern sushi, sought the affection of a young geisha. This geisha had skin like alabaster, and the feet of little birdies. So fine was she that all of the men in the area bowed down to her as she walked by. Hanaya was but a simple cook, but he was determined to win her over with his culinary skills. She rejected him over and over, until finally he gave up heartbroken. He left the big city of Edo, and went to the hills surrounding the city where he found a wise old medicine man, Von Shamel. The medicine man told him of a recipe that guaranteed him the object of his desire would be his. In order to get the recipe he would have to scavenge at the bottom of the ocean, and swim with the fastest fish in the world. He would have to dig up roots, and find specific chili peppers. It was quite a feat, but Hanaya was determined.

He first dove to the bottom of the ocean and found only the most succulent of crab, the snow crabs. He thanked the snow crabs and only took the legs from the right side of the animal. This left the snow crab to wander in circles for the rest of its life, symbolizing the circle of love and life.

His next task was to find the avocado’s that grew so tall and so large that only giants to get to them. These avocados provided protein and nourishment that the man would need to get through the long lustful sessions that would soon come.

Once he had the avocado’s he found his way to the nearby river banks where he spent days and nights fishing for the perfect salmon. It was said that the salmon could find their way up stream to the exact same spot they were conceived. This gave the roll its fertility and virility.

As he was coming back from the stream he met with a farmer who gave him the purest rice he had, and also pointed him in the direction of a nearby root that was known to create fits of tears and crying. He dug this root up and crushed it into a fine green paste.

As he found his way back to the ocean he jumped in and swam once again to the depths to find the seaweed that would hold his roll together. It was important that he got the seaweed closest to its roots so that it would be strong and hardy, and wouldn’t wither when the time was right. As he was swimming back to the surface he was attacked by a school of tuna. These were the biggest tuna Hanaya had ever seen. He took out his knife, and killed the largest tuna in the pack. This showed the rest of the tuna who was boss. Hanaya knew that this tuna would give the roll the fight and stamina necessary to win and thrill the woman he wanted.

When finally made it back and put everything together he found that something was missing. While the roll gave him the virility, fertility, and strength that he needed, it was a little dull. He needed something to spice it up. He went back to the medicine man and accused him of leaving out an ingredient. The wise man laughed and said that he was a smart man. The secret was the chili paste that would give it the spiciness and kick that he needed.

Hanaya presented his geisha with this special roll. As she ate it she fell silent. She had never tasted something so shameltastic before. Her bosom burned for Hanaya and they ran to his apartment upstairs and shamelled all night, and all the next day. As Hanaya came out of the coma, caused by so much shamelling, he declared that from this day forth nobody should ever know about the Shamel roll. He locked its secret up, and told all who would listen to never make it for anyone. To this day no restaurants dare put the Shamel roll on their menus. For those savvy patrons that know though they can still ask for the chef to make them a Shamel roll, and if needed even provide the ingredients… Eater be ware.

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